Pirates of the Carribean, Pirates Gone Wild
by Kitty and the Marshmallow
Summary: This goes through the entire story of the first Pirates movie with more realistic and unpolite characters.
1. Nightmares from the past

The maroon crested ship sailed through the ghostly mist. The crew stared into the white abyss, longing for the sight of land. There was a certain eerie feel that hung heavily in the air. The soft sound of a young girl singing "A Pirate's Life for Me" sent chills down everyone's spine. Mr. Gibbs took off across the deck towards young Miss Swann at the bow at a brisk pace.

"Touch me Gibbs and you'll no longer qualify as a man." She snapped without turning around.

"Blast you and your woman's intuition!" he screamed in exasperation.

"It's not my intuition," she explained turning around and driving him back against the mast "It's the plain fact that my entire being is bent on destroying you. Your very stench drives me insane to the point I think I can see you dancing in a Speedo across the waves. Do you understand me?" There was a stony silence.

"If you weren't a girl," he reached for a bottle of rum on the ground near him, "I would smash this over your head!"

"Good idea." She complimented snatching the bottle from his hefty hand and smashing it against his skull. He stood there staring at her unfazed.

"That doesn't work on me anymore." He chuckled.

"Yeah? Well I bet this does!" she yelled kneeing him in the groin.

"Mary mother of god!" he exclaimed bending over and clutching his crotch.

"What is going on over here?" asked the annoyingly perfect voice of Captain Norrington. Elizabeth rolled her eyes and turned to him.

"Would you stop hitting on me Norrington? I'm nine years old! Nine!" she yelled.

"I would never hit on you! That's appalling!" he burst. "Don't hurt Mr. Gibbs too much." He said lightly slapping her butt and walking off. She growled and turned back to Gibbs who was desperately drinking from his flask.

"Back to you Gibbs." Suddenly something caught her eye from in the water. She scurried to the railing. "Ooh! A Gucci purse!" she exclaimed. Everyone looked over at her, then suddenly gasped as an ablaze ship came into view. "Oh crap." She murmured. She looked around for any other accessories that might have washed away from the ship. "A hot boy! Look! In the water!" finally everyone came rushing to her side and worked together to hoist the boy out of the water.

Elizabeth (wanting to get some action) followed everyone as they rested him on some crates. Her father walked over to her.

"Elizabeth, I want you to look after the boy," he confessed, "take care of him?"

"Dad? Do you really have to ask?" he shrugged and walked away. Elizabeth grinned as she turned towards the boy.

He had perfectly tanned skin with light freckles bridging his nose. His dark hair coiled around his beautiful face as if it were being paid. She slowly reached out and ran her fingers through his godly locks.

He gasped and clenched her arm panting for breath. He looked at her with questioning eyes. Slowly they looked below her face at her low cut dress and observed with improvement.

"Uh, hi!" she exclaimed with her best valley girl voice.

"Yo." He remarked still clenching her wrist.

"Ow!" she exclaimed pulling her arm away from him. "That's going to bruise!"

"Oh, uh, sorry! That's how I get when I'm around pretty girls."

"Hmm, how sweet. Sorry, but I'm playing hard to get."

"Dang."

"I'm Elizabeth."

"Will."

"I'm watching over you Will."

"Whatever the hell that means." he remarked passing out. Norrington looked over with eyes of jealousy. Suddenly something caught her eye. A glint of gold sparkled from around his neck. She bounced with excitement at the thought of jewelry. She grabbed it immediately only to see it was an ugly medallion. "Hippy." She said under her breath. "Oh crap." She said realizing what kind of medallion it was. "Not another pirate!"

"What's going on over here?" asked Norrington. Elizabeth gasped and stuck the necklace in her bra. She turned back at him with the chain hanging across her front. Norrington raised his eye brows.

"His name's Will. That's all I found out." She explained.

"Yeah." He said pacing around her. "And what's that in your dress?" he reached out to try and pluck it away but Elizabeth slapped his hand. Without finding any other ways to get rid of him she grabbed another bottle and smashed it over his head. He fell to the ground. She tucked the medallion further in so no one would see it.

"Hey? Where's my bling?" asked Will asked looking around. Elizabeth smashed another bottle over his head. She scurried up the deck and looked at the medallion. As she looked out towards the water she saw the vision of a terrifying pirate ship with tattered black sails. She was over struck by fear, until she woke up.

Elizabeth Swann gasped as she awoke to the darkness. Visions of the dream she just had flashed through her memory. The crossing from England was one of the biggest secrets she had. She hadn't thought about it for months.

"I need to stop eating tacos before I go to bed." She confessed looking around the room. The vision of the pirate medallion flashed across her sight again. Slowly she walked over to her dresser and opened a drawer. At first glance you would think it was empty, but she pressed her fingers against the back of it and the bottom sprung up revealing a secret compartment.

Sitting there glaring back at her was the gold medallion with a pirate skull in the middle. She picked it up and wiped the dust off with her finger. Temptation forced her to put it on. She looked at it in the mirror.

"Elizabeth! For crying out loud! It's ten o'clock!" cried her father from the hallway. "Life has begun! Get up you stupid whore!"

"I am not a whore!" she yelled back at him pushing the medallion into her bra so it wasn't seeable. She desperately ran across the room and pulled on a bath robe.

"Maybe if you didn't party all night you would sleep in so late!" he yelled barging in. About five maids scurried in and began opening windows letting light filter into the room. Elizabeth hissed at them.

"You're the worst father ever!" she yelled at the hefty man with gray hair coiling down his shoulders.

"After I buy you a dress too! Why did I ever have you?" he asked the heavens.

"You bought me a dress?" she asked. He motioned to a maid carrying a large bundle of cloth. Elizabeth walked over and began studying the dress. "Hmm, it's not really my color. The hemming needs work. Don't even get me started on the lace. But I guess it will suffice." She gloated.

"Can't you just be grateful for once in your life?" he asked.

"No." she answered honestly walking behind the dressing partisan. The maids hurriedly began to get her dressed.

"Well, I was hoping you would wear it to Captain Norrington's promotion ceremony."

Elizabeth growled loudly making the maids step back for a second before moving on.

"Commodore, as he is about to become." He said proudly. "He fancies you, you know."

"Well no duh! He's been hitting on me since I was seven."

"Elizabeth, I wish you wouldn't lie like that. Norrington is a very respectable, honorable-"

"Dirt bag! Face it dad, he's a dirty old man."

"It hurts my heart when you talk about my future son in law like that."

"Future son in law?"

"I HAVE SAID TOO MUCH!" he exclaimed. The maids started to work on the corset.

"What is this thing?" she asked clutching her stomach.

"It's a corset. I hear it is the latest fashion in London."

"I don't think Norrington will like it."

"How do you figure?" he asked.

"It squeezes my boobs too tight, I happen to know he likes them free and in grasp!"

"I have heard enough!" he yelled running out of her room. As he walked down the hall the butler approached him.

"Mr. Turner is here sir." He announced.

"Crap!" exclaimed the governor. "I left my wallet down there!" he ran as fast as his stubby little legs could carry him.

Will Turner's eyes scouted his surroundings for any sign of value. He scowled as he realized they had learned that when he appears the valuables must be hidden. He paced about innocently, eyes darting in every direction.

He stopped in front of a gold candle holder protruding from the wall. He cocked his head studying it.

"It will work." He decided in a whisper. He looked around to make sure no one was watching. He grabbed onto it and pulled. With an echoing snap it separated. He quickly stuffed it into the inside of his coat. He thought about how lucky he was that no one was around.

Then he realized something was wrong. Usually dozens of people sweep into the room at all times.

"After I get all prettied up to come here and no one even comes to greet me. The nerve of some people." He growled. But the silence was soon broken by the heavy panting of Governor Swann who came belting down the hallway. He stopped at the front of the stairs to look at Will. He began to head down the stairs as he slipped. He rolled down head first and landed on the bottom.

He rolled around trying to get on his stomach so he could push himself up. Will couldn't help but grin.

"Do you need any help sir?" asked Will politely.

"No! No! I'm fine! Just stay right there and don't move!" with a final exasperated push he was able to get onto his stomach. He pushed himself onto his feet and walked briskly over to Will.

"It's good seeing you again Governor." Said Will with a light bow of his head.

"Yeah, yeah whatever." He said looking at the front table. To his relief the wallet was still there. He sighed and looked at Will.

"I brought your order." Announced Will placing a case on the table and unbuckling it. He pulled out a magnificent sword that twinkled in the morning light. Governor Swann immediately snatched it from Will and looked over it.

"May I see it please?" asked Will. Governor Swann looked from him to the sword.

"It's a trick, it has to be a trick. Don't trust him!" he thought.

"Sir, I spent many weeks sweating and bleeding in the shop to make that sword, may I please see it for one second?" He reluctantly handed him the sword. Will balanced it on his finger. "It's perfectly balanced." He explained. He threw it up into the air intending to do a trick to impress the Governor.

As the blade spun around through the air Governor Swann shrieked and retreated from the room. Will caught it and looked around for him.

"Governor Swann?" he called. The governor raced into the room and snatched the sword from him.

"Never do that again!" he panted. Will looked at the floor shamefully. Suddenly his eyes darted to the top of the stairs as Miss Swann came into view.

"Will!" she exclaimed. Will gulped. She slowly walked down the stairs pulling up her dress so he could see her leg. She bit her tongue and gave him looks. "I had a dream about you last night." She said once she reached them.

"About me Miss Swann?" he asked in disbelief.

"This is a little awkward," said Governor Swann.

"I hate you." Growled Elizabeth. "It was about when we first met." She continued looking at Will. "Do you remember?"

"How can I forget Miss Swann?" he asked.

"Will, how times have I asked you to call me Elizabeth?"

"At least once more Miss Swann."

"There, at least the boy has a sense of propriety." Said Governor Swann.

"No one asked you!" exclaimed Elizabeth.

"I think it's time for us to go Elizabeth." Announced Governor Swann reaching forward grabbing his wallet. He put the sword in the case and took it to the door.

"Good day Mr. Turner." Said Elizabeth just daring him to do something. When he just stood there like a dweeb she walked off with her dad.

"Good day!" he called as they got in the carriage. He walked down the steps watching them leave. "Elizabeth." He whispered.

Governor Swann looked out the top of the carriage.

"Go faster up there! He's watching us! Who knows what he's planning!" he cried settling back in his seat. He pulled out his wallet and thrust it open. Inside there was nothing. "CURSE YOU WILL TURNER! CURSE YOU!" he called.

"You're so embarrassing!" complained Elizabeth.

TBC

Okay, I actually wrote this a couple of years ago so it's not my best writing but I'm too lazy to rewrite it and I thought it'd be fun. Captain Jack comes next time! Yay!


	2. He's A Pirate

_Captain_ Jack Sparrow stood from atop his mast and gazed at Port Royal as it came closer and closer. The wind blew through his dark dread locks. He had to grab onto his hat to keep it from flying away. He looked down at his ship and rolled his eyes.

He jumped down into the little boat and grabbed a bucket attempting to bail all of the water that was trickling in. After a couple of seconds he decided it was hopeless at looked out to a strange rock arch protruding from the water. Hanging from it were the corpses of three pirates. Also hanging was a sign that read "Pirates ye be warned". Jack took his hat off and saluted his dead companions.

A few minutes later he once again stood atop the mast for the entire ship as engulfed under water. Very smoothly he watched as the dock came closer and stepped onto it like nothing had happened. He walked in his usual drunk fashion past an old man with a horrible wig.

"Excuse me!" called the man. Jack turned on his heel to face the man. "It's a shilling to tie up your boat at the dock." Jack looked at the small amount on wood sticking out above the water.

"How about I show you some chest," countered Jack pulling down part of his shirt revealing his manly six pack "and you just let me go."

"Welcome to Port Royal Mr. Smith." He said closing the book.

"Who's Mr. Smith?" asked Jack turning around. "Oh! I get it! It's me! Very clever. I'll leave now." Jack pranced away, but stopped suddenly to see the man's wallet. He picked it up and stuck it in his back pocket.

"Hey! That's my money!" yelled the man. Jack pulled his shirt down again. "Never mind."

Elizabeth stood in front of a large crowd. She fanned herself madly trying to get enough oxygen into her lungs. Everyone stood excitedly as Commodore Norrington walked past everyone. He winked at her. She turned the other way.

Remembering the medallion, she looked down her bra to make sure it was still there. She looked up to see the person on her right staring at her. The person took a step away.

Jack sauntered down a deck at prepared himself to board a docked vessel, until two guards appeared in front of him.

"Hi!" exclaimed Jack trying to be friendly.

"What do you think you're doing?" asked a fat one.

"Sauntering." Replied Jack.

"This is a restricted area. No civilians aloud." He barked.

"I'm very sorry, I didn't know. If I see one, I'll tell you immediately." He tried to walk onto the ship but they stepped in front of him. "But I'm not a civilian! I'm a deadly pirate captain!"

"Yeah, and I'm a skinny Swedish heart throb." Countered the fat guy.

"I thought you were." Said the other one.

"I'm the former captain of the Black Pearl." He bragged.

"The Black Pearl? Yeah right. A ship with black sails, that crewed by the damned, and that's captained by a man so evil, that hell itself spit him back out."

"Yeah, the evil guy part, that's me. Although, if you get to know me, I'm really rather sweet."

"I'm supposed to believe you? That'll be the day."

"I'll show you some chest!" Jack pulled his shirt down again. It was just enough to put them into a short trance. Jack leapt aboard the ship.

"Hey! You!" they yelled scurrying up towards him. "You don't have permission to be aboard there mate."

"I don't need permission! I'm a pirate!" The two men rolled their eyes. "Look, all I want is to take this little boat, sail to Tortuga, and get myself a buccaneer crew to go after my old ship, savvy?" The two men looked at each other.

"No." said the fat guy.

"Look! I can do a jig!" exclaimed Jack jumping around in circles. "You like my jig?"

"Perhaps."

"You give me ship as payment for such fine jig?"

"No."

Up at the fort the ceremony was over and everyone was celebrating. Norrington was sprawled out across the bar with a huge mug of whiskey in his hand. All of the girls at the ceremony surrounded him praising him.

Elizabeth rolled her eyes in disgust as she walked by. As she continued walking Norrington saw her.

"Excuse me." He said springing from the bar to Elizabeth's side. "May I have a moment?"

"Look, there are over two hundred people here. If you try anything-"

"Elizabeth, I would never do anything to put you in an awkward position."

"Tell that to my scarred seven year old self." She started to walk off but Norrington grabbed her shoulder.

"I'll give you five bucks." He persisted.

"Okay, fine." Gave in Elizabeth. They walked to the ledge of the monstrous fort. Elizabeth looked down at the all of the docked ships. In the one closest to them, the Interceptor, she could make out three small figures talking while leaning against the railings. She envied the fact that they weren't forced to come to the party. Norrington just stood awkwardly. Elizabeth refused to look at him.

"Okay, I'm not going to put this off any longer." He blurted. "You're hot, I've always loved you. Will you please marry me?"

"Aha!" she yelled pointing her finger at him. By this point he was groveling at her feet. "So you have been hitting on me for the past ten years!"

"Well, yeah, I guess." He admitted.

"You sick perv!"

"Look, I'm a commodore now," he explained "I'm a really impressive guy, why don't you love me?"

"Because you're a geek." She replied putting a piece of gum in her mouth.

"I don't know how much of a choice you have, Miss Elizabeth." He threatened coming closer to her. "You need to marry into a rich family if you want to stay in the same lifestyle. And I'm between you and the edge of this cliff."

Elizabeth looked at him, and then looked down at the water. He was right, he was between her and the edge. There was no escape. Suddenly an idea popped into her head.

"Oh! I can't breath! My corset is too tight!" she dreamily fell off the side and plunged towards the roaring waves.

"Elizabeth." He sighed holding his forehead. "What am I going to do with you?" he turned towards the guards. "Elizabeth! She fell over the edge! Someone! Get her!" he pulled off his coat and attempted to jump.

"Sir! The rocks! It's a miracle she missed them!" yelled a guard pulling him away.

"Did you really think I was going to jump? I'm just trying to suck up to her father." Whispered Norrington smiling at the governor.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING SMILING AT ME WHEN MY DAUGHTER JUST PLUNGED TO HER DEATH!?!" he bellowed.

"Oh! Elizabeth!" cried Norrington scurrying through the fort.

TBC


End file.
